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symphonic explosion

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[02 Aug 2002|08:49am]
the other one just never felt right to me. but maybe ive been gone far too long to have this one how it used to be. but i want to. so. y'know. i might.


i was thinking, today. how much compassion i lack. how i really couldnt care less about the majority of people i come across. & the only time you'll see any amount of emotion in me. is when some thing concerns either: me. jon. shannon. my immediate family. or my sister.

& then you have my mother. or my co-worker celina. & every single thing that happens in this world seems to affect them in the h u g e s t way. & im not sure how i feel about that. it makes me wonder, though. how some one could care so much. for those they dont even know. but.

as much as i tell myself. that there are other people like me. that im not all that different. the more i realise. that fuck, jamie. shannon & i. might be like. two of a kind.


work is tiring like. all the time. & it just doesnt feel the way it used to. it reminds me of that song. "even the names stay the same.. just the faces change."


some times i get the feeling jon really has no fucking idea who i am. other times. i know no one has come closer.


i got the new bright eyes cd today. & identity makes me think.

&. i better call jon before he kills me.
soon you will leave: 7 lying on the floor - touch.

A T T E N T I O N ---- [08 May 2002|10:54pm]
okay. the caps lock was for kayte.

also: this will be my last post. here. my fucking mother found this. because she's stupid. so i made another. which will be friends only. ((maybe. probably not. but this is under contemplation.))

so for those of you that added me to your friends list. & decided you dont want me there. here's your guilt-free easy out.


i havent added every one on to mine yet. so give me time. &. if i dont know you. & you want me to add you. you can leave a comment or email me at: yourestaring@aol.com


sigh. i dont know why i get so silly & sentimental over some thing like. a livejournal. but.

yeah. bye, then.
soon you will leave: 9 lying on the floor - touch.

[07 May 2002|10:19pm]
okay. so.

who saw the lakers lose tonight? who saw kobe fuck up the last five seconds of the game. muahahahahah.

i just. really really hope the mavericks win. i mean. steve nash is incredible. but shaq's a wall. maybe. the mavericks can pretend he's the berlin wall & tear the motherfucker down. i hate the lakers.


also: ive managed to not see my mother for. awhile. mmm. times two.


+. im going to miss shannon. so much. when she's gone. but. its going to be good, i think. i need to get things straight. with me. & i think. that i know. i have to do that without her.


ok, also. again: star wars tickets are being bought tomorrow. may sixteenth. 1201 a.m. fuck yeah.


mirah is lovely. mmm times two. bye, now.
soon you will leave: 12 lying on the floor - touch.

[06 May 2002|04:44pm]
my gums are bleeding. & my blood doesnt taste too pleasant.

& aside from that. i dont know w h a t the fuck is wrong with me today.


when my mom comes home from work screaming. thats so like. the best part of my day. no, really.


i miss jon. more than anyone could ever know.


yeah, bye.
soon you will leave: 3 lying on the floor - touch.

[04 May 2002|02:38pm]
oh wait. taking back sunday was good. the lead singer is just absolutely gorgeous. in a. id like to look at you but not touch you kind of way. he's some one. i could never have sex with. id pierce his rib. or some thing.

& really. i think shannon just sounds smarter when _im_ high.

oh &. theres this boy named jon. & he makes every thing better. every thing. mmm, him.
soon you will leave: 2 lying on the floor - touch.

[04 May 2002|02:30pm]
i really do love getting things in the mail. i think maybe. i just buy things. so that i can open my mail box now & then to find some thing delightful. thats why. people should just send me things. for free. so i can save money.

but. bright eyes ep. mmm. &. my friend from tennesse. he's awesome. & he always makes me remember him just when im about to forget him.

+. eddie. who now comes in to my work every day. he brought me cookies. two points for him.

i really. dont have anything important to say at all. really.

another thing: i still dont like my mother.
soon you will leave: touch.

give up, give up your love. [02 May 2002|03:33pm]
beulah is beautiful. i had a blissful time. even though. they didnt play maroon bible. or hey brother. i'll overlook it.


andrew burned his. "wang" with matches. yesterday. what a lame.


eddie came in to my work again today. i know. only one person knows who eddie is. but its a name. i have a feeling i'll mention a lot more. in the future. so we can introduce him now. hi, eddie.


Speaker4dead13 [3:32 PM]: i burned my wang yesterday

Speaker4dead13 [3:32 PM]: it hurt

Youre Staring [3:32 PM]: hah.id imagine.

Youre Staring [3:32 PM]: how.

Speaker4dead13 [3:33 PM]: i was playing with matches

Speaker4dead13 [3:33 PM]: just letting them burn then blowing them out

Youre Staring [3:34 PM]: WHY.

Speaker4dead13 [3:34 PM]: well one of the times when i blew it out i blew too hard and the head blew off

Speaker4dead13 [3:34 PM]: and i was wearing only boxers

Speaker4dead13 [3:34 PM]: and the head of the match well through the little trap door and onto my wangage

Speaker4dead13 [3:34 PM]: and burn the living hell out of me

Speaker4dead13 [3:35 PM]: i got like 4 tiny burn marks on little andrew now


andrew's a lame. i like beulah. i spend to much money on music. ((still)). i like jon. jon is good for jamie. its okay to give in. taking back sunday tonight. i am excited. la la la.
soon you will leave: 6 lying on the floor - touch.

[01 May 2002|02:19pm]
oh. &.

i get to see beulah tonight. & i hope we're not late. psh.

i am excited.
soon you will leave: 2 lying on the floor - touch.

[01 May 2002|02:13pm]
about an hour & a half ago. i woke up from a really fucked up dream. starring:

me. & some super cute intellectual boy i was in love with. & shannon. who was going out with chris carraba of dashboard confessional. & there was even this part. where he sang. "hands down" to her. hahah. oh, sigh.

i just left her four voicemails on her pager. i couldnt. not tell her. right away.

mmm, though. the boy i was in love with. was in love with me, too. even though we were having. some type of problem. & he decided he needed to be away from me for a night. & i pretended not to care. & i remember feeling the longing. even in a dream.

dreams are cool, though. mmm.
soon you will leave: 5 lying on the floor - touch.

[29 Apr 2002|04:36pm]
oh. &.

i did buy the michelle branch cd.

as well as:

cat power - what would the community think.
mirah - you think its like this but its really like this. ((thank you, ashley.))
the casket lottery - choose bronze.
elvis costello - spike.
the promise ring- nothing feels good.
azure ray - burn & shiver.
ben kweller - sha sha.
midtown - living well is the best revenge.

&. i bought a journal. which is some thing incredibly special

okay, im stopping. bye.
soon you will leave: 8 lying on the floor - touch.

no set back will set us back. [29 Apr 2002|04:30pm]
i feel like there's so much to say. but no reason to say any of it.

& even though id been there before. it was just. different this time. every thing was. & i dont think ive ever felt so many emotions in such a limited amount of time. & i cant talk about those. because it wouldnt make sense to any one anyway. which is. nice.

& there are so many things im unsure of. even now. but i know that this weekend. was one of the bests. of my life thus far. & i want to go back. because san francisco is magic.

& diane & shannon. are, too.


&. san francisco. is just like hollywood. but with cleaner air. & cooler, happier people. better food. & suckier parking.
soon you will leave: 2 lying on the floor - touch.

[25 Apr 2002|10:58am]

why is there always so much to do on my days off.

make two mixed tapes for the road. 5 hours.
find directions to every single place we're going to go in san francisco. 30 min. to 1 hour.
take my sister to get her work permit. 1 hour.
help my brother paint his presidency posters. 2 hours.
meet up with diane & shannon later to buy mapsfoodbatteriesfilmdrinkseverything. 2 - 3 hours.
do the dishes. 15 minutes.
do laundry. unless i want to spend the weekend naked. ((fuck.)) 1 hour.
create a budget & set a certain amount of money aside so that i dont spend my entire check in san francisco!. 45 minutes.
decide what all im going to bring, since i'll have no time tomorrow after work. + pack it. 1.5 hours.
jon. hmmm.


ok. & thats. what. fifteen hours scheduled. & its eleven a.m. at some point i have to sleep tonight. i have to be at work by 645 tomorrow. jesus.

theres just. got to be more time.
soon you will leave: 8 lying on the floor - touch.

[25 Apr 2002|10:53am]
i really AM going to buy the michelle branch cd.

[23 Apr 2002|11:19pm]
i havent really seen my mother since sunday. which is nice.

& i suprised myself today. i made a quiche. & it actually came out. good. & if you know me. you know how fucking. strange that is.


some times. i really do love the feeling of exhaustion. just. every thing about it. & the way it feels when your body finally hits the sheets. i like turning my cell phone off. & knowing that nothing is going to wake me up. listening to frank sinatra sing "summer wind" & cursing california for it's perpetual hot weather. & not remembering anything after that. waking up to jon. eating ice cream with my brother. laughing at ozzy osbourne wearing a "hippie killer" tshirt & biker shorts.

& i forget. how wonderful it is. to just. stay in some nights. i wish i could do it more often.


& i am still tired. more sleep.
soon you will leave: 2 lying on the floor - touch.

[21 Apr 2002|10:08pm]
i think. i needed the jonah show. its been so long since ive felt that way. so long.

& some times. i like to share that feeling. with the people im there with. but this time. i felt like i was the only one feeling that. feeling what i felt. & i know i wont be able to explain it to anyone. not the way i want to. but its like:
when you stop. just stop. & take in the music. take in the words. the voice. forget every thing else. even the cold that makes your teeth chatter. or the sound of drunks playing hackey sack. or the worry. & the stress. that you carry with you every hour without anyone knowing. & all you can hear is the chords. all you can feel. is sound. & its some thing. ive missed. & some thing. so fucking amazing.

&. he sang the bob dylan song. that was almost perfect. &. i love all three of the people i was there with. & that. is some thing, too.


a bunch of the people that i used to go to church with. came in to my work the other day. & honestly. the thing i remember the most from. "being a christian." was the guilt. & i know i talk about it far too. often. but its been in my thoughts a lot. lately. just. every thing. every thing i was taught & told & did & didnt question & it makesmefeelsick.

soon you will leave: 3 lying on the floor - touch.

[18 Apr 2002|10:37pm]
i think im in love with now its overhead. ((again.))

i think shannon sounds much smarter when she's high.
i think the workers at subway are a bunch of lames.
i think paydays come too fucking slow.
i think im excited to see onelinedrawing this weekend. yes.


i made a mixed tape. its good. email me your address. [yourestaring@aol.com ]& you get it.
soon you will leave: 2 lying on the floor - touch.

[18 Apr 2002|12:46am]
listening to d'yer maker by led zeppelin. & only andrew knows why it makes me smile so much.

i like. things like that.

((&. i do think i could fall i love to this song.))


reorganized the collection tonight. & upon its completion. i realised i had left one cd out. one that should have been placed in the "b"'s. fuck daniel brummel.


also: i invited him over tonight & it felt like old times. when we'd lay on the couch forever. & not want to move. & we rented the godfather. & fell asleep & woke up & ate left over birthday cake. & talked about socialism. & denzel washington winning an oscar. we talked about the color orange & crest toothpaste. how coke & pepsi really are completely different even though so many argue the opposite. we talked about nelly furtado & pink floyd. we talked about the first thing that came to our minds. the last. & every thing in between. &. honestly. i love him.


we booked the room for san francisco today. i am excited. +. i heard the amoeba there is just. killer.

goodnight to you.
soon you will leave: 3 lying on the floor - touch.

[14 Apr 2002|11:46pm]
had a talk with shannon tonight. about how. things just seem to blend. days nights afternoons weeks months. this past year. has just been a blur. & i understand her when she says she feels like nothing's real. my memory seems to be leaving me. & maybe its just. that the really important things. i dont have to try to remember.


yesterday celina asked me if i believed in god. & she really truly almost died when i told her that i didnt. she went on to explain that people who dont believe in god are evil & mean. i asked her if i was either of those. she said no, which is why she was so confused. she then asked if i had ever believed in god. i told her yes. & she sighed with relief. "ohhhh. well thats why, then. i knew it."

& i can remember a time. when i would argue. but now it just seems. all too pointless. because she doesnt know why she believes in god. because ive yet to find some one that does. some one who can answer all of my "why"'s. & i really. dont care at all anymore. because you cant show some one. logic. if they denounce it.


my cd player is now being selective. which really really pisses me off. it wont play the things i want it to play. psh.


&. did just. anyone see the game tonight. double over time. lakers suck.

wednesday. watch the kings kick some laker ass.
soon you will leave: 3 lying on the floor - touch.

[11 Apr 2002|11:50pm]
so. i only actually accomplished one of the things i had set out to do. earlier today.

but. i had a lot of fun. with that one accomplishment.


& friends. good ones. are really important things to haveknowsharethingswith. i am thankful for mine.


i am also thankful for marshmallows. & the fact that i get to go to work at eleventhirty tomorrow instead of six.
soon you will leave: touch.

if i was jack the ripper would you still kiss me. [11 Apr 2002|08:43am]

woke up to birds & mothers wishing me good mornings. & voicemails & text messages from special people that never fail to make me smile. bananas & special k tell me today is going to be worth waking up at 830 for.


agenda for april eleventh:
re-organize my cd collection. this time. alphabetically. having it by label was too. psh.
watch the rest of the star wars trilogy with shannon. ((i miss shannon.))
lunch with luis.
finish ashley's mixed tape.
attempt to make one for shannon.
maybe call andrew for some more phone lovin. wink wink. nudge nudge.


[i think maybe. he's too close. & maybe i shouldnt have let him be. & maybe he doesnt deserve to be. not yet, anyway. people shouldnt be able to hurt me the way that he can. & im not going to let it happen anymore. ok.]


and. if youre searching for one inch pins. of a certain band. & you cant find one anywhere. you should go to. operationindiy.com because those kids are badass & the pins are. pretty. two points for ashley.
soon you will leave: 3 lying on the floor - touch.

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